Broken

This is how I felt Saturday but I never got to post it because I got distracted;

I have felt broken all day long. Minus this morning. But however even part of it was. So many things are hitting me at once that I don't know how to handle everything.

Marriage? - Annulled

Health? - Sucks (More on that later)

Family? - Big brother (Jerk) Little brother (Is ok at the moment) Little Sister (Disappointing) and Baby sister (Funny)

Children? - Sick *Sighs* (More on that later too)

Financial/Job? - I have one but never done anything like it before and debt keeps rising

Love Life?- Up and Down but more ups than down with him

Happiness? - 4 out 10

I have been laying in these damn beds for a week now. I have not been able to lay on my stomach except for twice. I have miserable. I just keep telling myself to be strong but at some points I have broke. Sure I could sing to him even if I was in the worst of pain if he asked. Everything is just hurting.

I have been hiding pain for years. Come to find out my smoking helped me from being in more pain than I felt, but I am really glad I quit. Not only did I quit, I quit cold turkey. But however while it was hiding the pain from me it actually made the Crohn's disease worsen. After the night/morning I had I asked for the research on the things I have. I have been quiet all day. And even right now I don't feel like talking unless that phone goes off then I might cry with happiness. I want him so bad right now. But I can't talk about that right now.

I begged to go see my children after I had my surgery. I could barely contain myself. I ached so bad because I couldn't hold them. Last time I had to see them like that they were so little they only had to worry about being warm and fed. Now they are talking and walking. It scares them and it scares me more. And it kills me inside to know that I put them in that position. I had to be put back to sleep after that.

I have to have some high pressured cleaning out to make sure the parasite is gone. I cannot eat for another two days. Does anyone realize how long its been since I've eaten? Almost two damn weeks. I'm starving and dehydrating a lot. What can I do? I have to cooperate. I'm crying so hard right now. Everything is killing my spirit.

I hated getting onto Baby Boo. My heart was bursting when I had to do that. Seeing her cry because she is hurt and in pain reminds me of the days of Ian. But there is no reason for being and acting like a spoiled brat. But when she didn't give a damn when I was about to surgery it was like a slap in the face to me, or even worse. My heart broke. Defiance toward me is one thing but lying and not caring? What is my heart suppose to do? I don't care if Tommy made you feel like you were back with Ian. Think about this maybe you are acting like Ian thought you were acting. I'm only trying to help you why hurt me in return? I really wish you had of just thought before you put me through emotional and physical pain. But I still love you and I will no matter what.

Things aren't going to get better. I have Crohn's for life. It causes what else is wrong with me except the infection in my vaginal walls. That is thanks to being forced by Luke... *Cries* Oh and Crohn's didn't cause the parasite either that came eating at that crappy restaurant in France. But the Crohn's causes everything else. I have had some of these of things for so long but refused to go the doctor. I never felt the need to tell anyone because its embarrassing for me.

The problem my doctor is so concerned about right now is the rectal prolapse which is were the tissues are constant protruding from my anal cavity. They thought it was hemorrhoids but its not. Thanks to the prolapse I now have to have enemas every week. Each week a different kind.

I doubt I'll ever finish this blog.