Not Sure How To Feel

I'm feeling very selfish. I just want to get out of here for a few hours. Just to have my chance, but my luck sucks so bad. I am so much pain and every time I try to tell him something comes up. I just lay here daydreaming. But I think I have every right to but then I think I'm a horrible person for doing. I should be busting my ass trying to get better so I can get back out there to help everyone. And one of the first thing I'm going to do is going to bake. 
Dang it my mind keeps going to him. I cannot stop. I feel so bad because I feel like I'm forgetting everything else. But its not sex that's coming to mind. Its the tiny things that means the world to me. Of course as I write that Fantasy comes on. Grrrrrr. Ok now I'm thinking about sex. But I flipped it. He thinks he has me completely. But there are three parts. The part where I can let everything out, the truth about my pain, and of course seeing me. Since the rugrats have blabbed to everyone. I want him to pick me up and swirl me around. *Looks down* 
I really regret letting them get Starbucks this morning. They are twice as bad as normally. Including Court. She almost busted her head and gave me a heart attack. I just want and peace. But I never get that ever. Ok there are the few rare occasions with him. 
*Wipes eyes* I wish Reverse Cowgirl had a been a song with him. Because I loved that but I hated the person it was with. With everyone talking about weddings my mind has seriously wondered. And Grandpapa is telling that mon chéri would love to see me in lingerie from Fredrick's of Hollywood. I might would wear one of those if mon chéri asked me. Some of these look like with one good tug they would come off. But its still funny hearing Grandpapa talk about is sexy versus slutty. I think its a very fine line with him. Grandpapa and I are working on the music now. Its so funny. "Harmonerica I really love this. It makes me feel like when your great great great grandmama planned our wedding." Of course he had to make me cry. He asked me if he could walk "la fille magnifique dans le monde" down the aisle. I told him was crazy and then I got smartass at him and asked why he had to ask my permission to walk some other girl down the aisle. 
Its been a rough day for me. This morning was not fun. When mon chéri got so mad when that happened this morning I was hurt and ashamed but my instincts to protect him from getting in trouble kicked in. But he had to go I instantly felt weaker. Not like sick weak but the weak where you feel like you can't stick up for yourself. And then later on I did something very stupid. I told him I loved him. Part of me is crying one said because of the pause at the other end. But then part is happy that it hasn't been said back. Because at this point I really don't know how to truly love someone. I do but I doubt I'll be good enough for them. Boo Bear tries to get me to believe but I just don't know. Maybe things will change when Sunday comes if I get to go. I want to so bad.
Oh and that's another thing. The look on Baby Boo's face when he got onto her for ripping out my IV. She seriously looked like a little kid. I almost felt sorry for her until she shrugged at Court. I tried not getting mad at that but how could I not? Its like what he was saying was going in one ear and out the other. I don't know anymore what to do. Maybe it really will take that.