Sunday
Numb
"Momma, Jake been gone a really long time. When we going to go to on vacation?" My day wasn't going so good today anyhow but when my Edward asked me that, my heart cracked again. Maybe my heart will never be completely heal no matter what kind of healing is done to it. Its been months since he died but I still have nightmares of him asking me why I left him. My body aches because I left them. I hear so many people say I shouldn't of had them. I'll agree I wasn't ready. Bella and Edward don't understand why I hold onto them so dearly when they crawl up in my arms. If life would let me I would never let them go. I know however that things will start to take their course. Being a mom will be difficult. I am not a teenager anymore. I already realize that those years are gone. Bella said she made Jake a picture. I know he has to see. God I miss that little boy. That half sleepy excited look he had all the time while looking at me. His favorite little onsies and shirts that said "Mommy's Baby" and "I Bite". I still hold the "I Bite" shirt to my face.... but its so cold now. The little heart isn't beating underneath it. Or Jake grabbing my ear like he was trying to tell me to listen to him even if he couldn't talk. Or me leaning over him while he kicked my chest. I still remember right after they were born, we went to Mobile, as a family. I remember getting in the pool with them all. My hair clinging all the way down my back while pushing them around in the pool in their covered innertube thing. Bella kicking making the water splash. And handing them to Luke. Pushing the stroller that held all three them together with Luke. I remember trying to be romantic with him on that trip but neither one of us felt. And while I was taking care of the kids then he had his nose in a book while walking around with us. That was the beginning of us not working out. We had been married what? 4 months and already I was ready to tell him take his dang books and shove it. Don't get me wrong I love to read but help me when I need beside just looking up and telling me I'm doing an okay job and go back to reading. Then the night I left the first time. I remember telling Jake I would come back for him but I never made it back to Luke and them. I went to Florida first then drove back to Mobile and there I stayed. It wasn't so easy but I made it. I am grateful that I made it this far now if I could just plow on through.
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